Prepared 2 Fail

Regardless of one’s height the best way to clean gutters is to do it from the roof. I’m about two inches short of Kevin Durant (serious) and I used to ‘roof it’ to clean our gutters back in my parent’s house in good ol’ Indiana. 

Durant at best is grabbing 2-3 leaves per grab. They’re going to be out there all day. 

Unless it’s a metaphor for sex. “cleaning out her gutters”.

I’m not sure why she fumbles with the wedding ring at 0:17 seconds in, because they’ve already established it’s her husband morphed into Durant, not actually Durant, as if he kidnapped her husband and is assuming his life in some sort of classic husband swap scenario. 

But here’s the kicker and here’s why it makes sense. She is just now noticing the change. NBA games end, even if you’re on the east coast around 1am. When she woke up in the morning she should have noticed he was Kevin Durant. But she didn’t, which means they don’t sleep together, which means they are probably on the verge of…divorce. Sad. So when she sees her husband as Kevin Durant, not only is she turned on but ‘Hey! Maybe he’ll do some basic yard work now also!’ 

Don’t believe me? Check the hints Sprint drops in the commercial. “He was watching NBA on his phone..” the kid says. WHO WATCHES BASKETBALL AT THEIR OWN HOUSE ON THEIR PHONE? Answer? People who aren’t allowed in the TV room or bedroom to watch television because they are no longer sharing a bed with their wife. 

Either that or Kevin Durant has infiltrated this family, either killing the husband or buying him off. Maybe the swap is only for a month or two. This guy wants to get away from his family, Durant away from Westbrook just for a spell. Who knows?

Hold the phonograph machine. You’re telling me if I can make a virtual pizza on some half-assed app that you might hire me to make half-assed pizzas for $8.25 an hour? This is truly the American dream. The generosity of your company astounds me.

First off, you’ll never find me. No matter how good I do on that app I have location services turned off on purpose. So forget all that noise. 

2nd. The audacity to call it pizza hero. The only pizza hero is the one that saves me from having to eat crappy domino’s pizza. Oh I know you revamped the recipe by putting garlic on your crust, it’s still 3rd tier pizza. 

Lastly…you’re monday through wednesday carry out deal is not that popular. Just because you say it is, doesn’t make it so. It’s like the TBS: Very Funny thing. Not factually accurate. 

This commercial opens with some random streetballer doing a windmill dunk. Lebron wants some ‘get-back’ and a kid watching the game appears to be disappointed or at least uninterested, so naturally he takes a swig of his sprite. 

Here’s where it gets funky. Lebron comes down the court and the actual asphalt begins to shift, confusing his defenders and giving him huge advantages in his sojourn to the rim. As if being 6 feet 8 inches tall, over 260 pounds, extraordinarily fast and skilled weren’t enough. 

To further complicate matters and give Bron Bron an even more extreme advantage, he’s allowed to pick the ball up, travel(not so abnormal) and run out of bounds, an out of bounds that has sloped 8 feet in the air to give him another advantage, then come back inbounds to catch an alley oop and slam it home. It wouldn’t take that much for a stoppage of play at any playground I’ve ever been to. Hoopers will argue over much less and those arguments could take a half hour to settle. 

There are a number of things I don’t understand. Is it the act of the kid drinking Sprite that caused the court to mutate like this? If that’s the case, give this kid a 2-liter and involve him in every important decision that will ever be made. At the very least get him tickets to the Olympics and next year’s Super Bowl. If this particular kid drinking Sprite can cause super natural things to happen, we might just be alright as a country, hell, as a planet. 

Another thing, as I mentioned some of Lebron’s gifts and talents eariler, I know for a fact that he doesn’t need any help to dunk on these guys. Now Lebron is not a cheater so why would Sprite put him in this situation. Setting him up in a rigged game with a ‘living’ court. Kinda disrespectful. Maybe they didn’t have faith in him in 07 which I think is when this commercial first aired. 

Then there’s the threat of as Sprite put it, a “living court”. Bring you’re court to life. That is a horrifying offer that I will turn down every time it’s presented. We can not having living courts terrorizing kids, getting minds of their own centered on freedom and equal right but never being accepted because their freaking basketball courts. Who feeds a living court? Didn’t think of that huh? Does it living off of bouncing basketballs? Nobody is going to want to play there so it will die.

Sprite at the very end zooms out from the Sprite bottle as if the kid had watched this last play unfold while taking his drink. I assume that means this is a Sprite induced hallucination. That is kind of cool actually but when you think about what sugary soda drinks are doing to the youth, it really becomes quite sad.